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How can I respond to aggressive behavior from my partner?

Disclaimer: this post centers around the science of relationships, conflicts and aggressive behavior. We hope this information is useful, however, if you are a victim of domestic violence seeking information or assistance, please contact your local Domestic and Sexual Violence Hotline for more resources: https://findahelpline.com/


I recently went to my first beach campfire. The idea came from a friend who wanted to do a sort of pre-summer cleanse. We would write things we wanted to let go off on a piece of paper and use them as fuel. 


Not long after we started hearing the crackling sound of fire, the group began sharing the intentions behind each burned piece of paper. Many of us spoke of fear, gut feelings, and power imbalance. 


In listening to this, I am reminded of a difficult, but incredibly important question submitted to Mentally Minded. The question was: 


How can I respond to aggressive behavior from a partner? 


Before diving into our answer, I would like to stop and acknowledge that this is an extremely difficult topic, in particular for survivors of domestic violence. My heart goes out to everyone who reads these words and feels any resemblance to their personal stories. Please take care of yourself during this read (and at all other times for that matter). 


Paint strokes in watercolour purple (left), pink (centre) and grey (right)
Aggression by Hänel, Winfried (Herstellung) (Künstler/in) - State Association of Fine Arts Saxony eV, Germany - CC BY-SA. https://www.europeana.eu/item/1010 item_YKUCNDDSSIES5WQMC5IV2KVF4X2BEMGM

How to act when people cross our boundaries


Much like a country that secures its frontiers in relation to neighboring countries, people have personal frontiers. These are boundaries, or limits, rules and values one lives by in their relationships with others. They set what one is or is not comfortable with.


There are multiple kinds of boundaries: physical, emotional, material or spiritual; and each person has the right to set their own rules. For one person, raising voices during an argument can be normal, while for another it can be where they draw the line to stop a conversation. These are two different emotional boundaries. 


Personal boundaries are a basic need and crucial for one’s well-being in any relationship, be it at work, with family and friends, or in romantic contexts. If boundaries are crossed in any of these situations, that’s aggression. In fact, any behavior that harms an individual, regardless of the scale, is a form of aggression 1


Violence, on the other hand, occurs when the harmful behavior is intentional and aims to hurt, physically or psychologically.


Both aggression and violence in romantic relationships are common. Aggression that does not lead to physical injury has been estimated to occur at around 50-60% of couples in the United States 2,3. Meanwhile, 40-50% of both women and men report having previously suffered intimate partner violence 4


The types of violence or aggression in relationships are varied. Though we often think only of physical aggression like slapping, or verbal aggression like name-calling, other aggressive behaviors might be less obvious. For example, controlling the finances of a partner or restricting contact with family and friends. Psychologically aggressive behaviors can cause as much or more harm as physically aggressive behaviors, says Dr. Erica Woodin, psychology professor at the University of Victoria, who primarily researches conflict and aggression in close relationships.


In responding to aggression or violence within a relationship, we must circle back to what each individual holds as their personal boundaries. What can you accept from yourself and other people? What will you not? How do these rules align with those of your loved ones?


Another crucial piece of the puzzle is the context in which the aggression occurs. In fact, that may well be what draws the line if the answer is to stay or leave.


A metal ruler accompanied by its plastic case.
The relationship line. Suhdeviivain by Tecnostyl, Wulff - Lusto - The Finnish Forest Museum, Finland - CC BY. https://www.europeana.eu/item/2021008/_knp_13559

Where relationship researchers draw the line


Researchers broadly classify two types of intimate partner violence: coercive control violence and situational couple violence. According to Dr. Woodin, coercive control violence usually involves one partner being the primary aggressor and the other feeling a lot of fear. They may often use physical aggression, and this kind of relationship carries a lot of risk for escalating violence. 


Situational couple violence, instead, happens in the context of an argument. Couples that have a hard time managing conflict in their relationship might experience increasing escalation of a bad argument, potentially resulting in physical injury to one or both parties involved. The key differences here are that in this type of violence both people are engaging in the escalation cycle, and are not afraid of each other. 


While the danger of coercive control violence is clear, Dr. Woodin alerts that situational couples violence may be particularly damaging to the relationship. Escalating arguments rarely solve the problem that caused the argument in the first place. Thus, situational couple violence is associated with higher rates of divorce. 


The response depends on the context


Separating intimate partner violence into two categories is helpful because they require largely different responses. Coercive control violence scenarios carry great risk, so the victim has to act carefully. Here, researchers do not recommend couples therapy. “Both people have to be willing to work on de-escalating their relationship, and the controlling partner often is using violence as a weapon, as opposed to just emerging out of a dysregulation,” said Dr. Woodin. As such, the victim is encouraged to reach out to domestic violence resources and develop a safety plan, which includes, for example, separating documents and ensuring a personal bank account. Things that are going to give you an ability to take care of yourself, and to also leave the relationship in a safe way,” Dr. Woodin said


For situational violence, leaving may seem extreme. Partners in this scenario may want to stay in the relationship and learn how to deal with conflict more effectively. In this case, Dr. Woodin recommends a “timeout procedure”. How exactly this timeout works will depend on each couple. The length or location of the time out can vary, but she explains further, “You basically say, step one, I need a timeout, step two, here's when we can come back and talk about this,” she said. This timeout approach takes practice, particularly for individuals who were brought up in contexts where conflicts always escalated to some sort of violence. Contrary to coercive control violence, in this process, Dr. Woodin says couples therapy can help. 


Is this research applicable to all types of relationships? 


I was curious if the same patterns of aggressive behavior were true for relationships that differ from heterosexual, cis-gender, or monogamous norms. “We do not have much research on non-monogamous couples, and that’s where the field needs to go right now,” Dr. Woodin explained. To my surprise, a lot of research has been carried out on LGBTQIA2S+ couples. In general, the dynamics in these relationships seemed to be similar. “There are similar challenges that can come up around violence, and it tends to occur at roughly the same rates as it does in heterosexual relationships.” 


Different relationships may experience different stressors, however. In heterosexual couples, research shows that there is an increased pressure to fulfill stereotypical gender expectations, where men bring in the money and women take care of the household. Couples who show a more egalitarian split of the household tend to have healthier relationships.  


In LGBTQIA2S+ couples, there is an added layer of minority stress. Can we hold hands without fearing retaliation? Can we share with our families that we are in a relationship? According to Dr. Woodin, research on minority stress shows it is associated with a greater chance of depression and anxiety. “And that's been shown to be associated with more violence”. 


TL;DR: you deserve to feel safe


Human beings are social creatures. Despite being our backbone, relationships are no trivial task. Understanding our boundaries and the dynamics in our relationships can guide us along the way. But we must remind ourselves: we all deserve to feel safe. If you are experiencing any challenges with aggression and violence in your relationships, reach out for help through: https://findahelpline.com/


 

Thank you to our community member who asked this question! If you have any questions about mental health, send them over to our questions tab or reach out to us on Instagram or Twitter!

 

If you’re interested, check out some of the sources I used in researching this answer! All sources used for this answer are strictly evidence-based.


  1. https://books.google.ca/books?hl=en&lr=&id=MOljg8xXI1oC&oi=fnd&pg=PA1&ots=obi2aOlwQi&sig=CCHUFWXdzjH0G8Q6JSGxu6RVgSI&redir_esc=y#v=onepage&q&f=false

  2. Confidence and accuracy in person perception: Do we know what we think we know about our relationship partners?: Swann, W. B., Jr., & Gill, M. J. (1997). Confidence and accuracy in person perception: Do we know what we think we know about our relationship partners?Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 73(4), 747–757. https://doi-org.proxy3.library.mcgill.ca/10.1037/0022-3514.73.4.747

  3. http://www.scielo.org.co/scielo.php?pid=S0121-54692019000200091&script=sci_arttext

  4. Exploring “common couple violence” in heterosexual romantic relationships

  5. Exploring the Link Between Relationship Cycling and Aggression in Challenging Romantic Relationships

  6. A dyadic approach to the study of romantic attachment, dyadic empathy, and psychological partner aggression

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